Hi everyone,
I subscribe to a "Crucial Conversation" newsletter and I thought I would share the advice for this week. The author talks about how generally peaceful people can become easily angered and violent due to the pressures of our economy. And he gives some advice for dealing with these people.
"So what do you do when someone screams in your face and tries to bait you into a fight—for no apparent reason? I learned an incredible and helpful response from an alert reader in Brazil who had been car jacked in Rio de Janeiro. She had read in our book, Crucial Conversations, that one of the ways to take the violence out of a situation is to quickly establish mutual purpose, which she did. She looked at the would-be carjacker and stated, “You tell me what you want and I’ll be glad to help.” The surprised thief asked her to take him to the nearest ATM and withdraw the maximum amount of cash she could, which she did. “Now what can I do?” she asked. “You can drive me across town,” he answered. When the two arrived at the appointed destination, the thief didn’t take her car, just the cash. Most importantly, he didn’t hurt her. He actually thanked her for her cooperation and then fled. Now, the skills in the book were not intended to instruct on negotiating threats of actual physical violence—obviously the best solution there is to get out as quickly as possible. But in a situation where the reader was trapped, keeping her head helped her avoid some common and possibly fatal results.
Following this reader’s lead,
when the crazed guy in front of the sandwich shop tried to pick a fight with me for almost dinging his car, I was prepared. I apologized profusely several times. I then established mutual purpose by asking him what I could do to undo the possible harm. Of course, there was no actual harm to his car, but I was willing to do whatever would appease him. Now remember, I was not trying to negotiate a fair settlement. I was not trying to save face in front of others. I was not trying to look macho or feel in charge.
Instead, I was doing my best to avoid getting pummeled by a guy who looked both willing and able to pummel me. And, make no mistake; he had a plan for getting there. He wanted me to argue back. He wanted me to get in his face where he could then push me away from him and I’d invariably push him back—and then he would have me. Then he could smack me around because I had pushed him.
But I didn’t follow the screaming stranger’s nefarious plan. Instead I apologized, admitted to my thoughtlessness, and genially sought to make reparations.
As a result, the fellow had no place to go with his anger. All that was left for him to do was to forgive me and send me on my way with a stern warning—which he did.
I know this message may seem a bit bah-humbuggy and far from the kind of gift you might expect this time of year. But then again, some gifts you receive are more practical than your standard dangly earrings or pungent aftershave. Sometimes you get a new security system or hefty new locks on the door. I’ve given you something you can lock away in your head. You may not need it right now, but one day when you’re climbing out of your car listening to Burl Ives wish you a Holly Jolly Christmas and you’re distracted just enough to let your car door swing a quarter of an inch too far—well, you’ll now know what to say and do. And that, I hope, will lead to a happy and safe holiday."
